To Becky & John on Your Day by Milla Kunis

I don’t know two people better suited for each other.

It’s as if you are one person.

Becky, my oldest friend and John her Carolina beau.

Sorry John, the bachelorette will be a little wild.

We have a cop stripper coming and some other things

planned which Becky will love.

And plenty of drink, I know you love that.

Becky can drink anyone under the table.

   

Jim Beam because I have a sponsorship.

And something fruity with an umbrella.

Body shots at the bar.

Plenty of dancing.

To celebrate.

To John and Becky on your day.

Kisses from all your sisters   xx

Milla Kunis is leaving the scented lavender farts of the Hollywood Hills to start her new sorority life on campus.  Her work has appeared in or is forthcoming from such esteemed journals as: The Jim Beam Quarterly, Pleasure Yourself Press, The Sexbot Quarterly and How to Tie a Noose with My Hair.  She is pleasuring herself to Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention right now.  Hail Satan's hot tub!

Donk Donk in My Pants by Lizzy Gee

It’s always important to appreciate what you have in life.
Such as the Dick Cheney hiding underneath my bed that spanks me at night.

Or those Gogurt cups that make me fart every single time I get hit by lighting.

But when it comes down to the serious stuff writers are just like dicks.
And taste about just as good.

Lizzy Gee is a poet and photographer from Oklahoma that has been featured in several magazines through both her poetry and her visual art since 2010. 

Hold My Hair. by Becky Summerland

                         

A good friend will give you a ride and a true sister will bail you ass out of jail on a Saturday night.

There is something to be admired in a sisters loyalty the boys will never understand .

From breakups to the bullshit we all understand and tolerate to simply get laid .

To the good times we share and often forget .

Broken heels and a awkward silence in waking up in a stranger's bed .

To getting hitched and hoping the shit simply ends in divorce and not some strange incident where you have to find a place to hide a body .

Yes anyone can lend you a ear or give you support.

A true sister holds your hair as you puke .

And usually tries to avoid puking on you on the process .

Relationships  are a total mess and true sisters a rare train wreck indeed .

                            Becky Summerland

Is the head of the Sorrority and also engaged to ezine award winning editor John Patrick Robbins .

Who she enjoys getting blackout drunk with often while sasquatch hunting with in the Pacific Northwest .

These two fellow editors met and instantly fell in love at the Roman orgie all you can eat pizza buffet and secret satanic mixer held at one of the many Frat parties .

They are to be married in Atlantic City in a yet another event held by the Frat to annoy the living shit out of supposedly humorous writers who are insecure pricks that really need to get a life or shut the fuck up.
Cause newflash it's called a joke .


As always the drinks are on the house .
So stop being a pussy and let's party.

Pass the Phallus Ladies by Milla Kunis

It is good to share.

With my sisters when I can.

Pass the phallus ladies.

No one likes a hog.

Don’t clean the damn thing.

It is good to share even that.

I think it’s my round next.

A toast to you all!

Milla Kunis is leaving the scented lavender farts of the Hollywood Hills to start her new sorority life on campus.  Her work has appeared in or is forthcoming from such esteemed journals as: The Jim Beam Quarterly, Pleasure Yourself Press, The Sexbot Quarterly and How to Tie a Noose with My Hair.  She is pleasuring herself to Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention right now.  Hail Satan's hot tub!

Us Girls Got To Stick Togather. By Veronica Peterson

Its a burden being beautiful I mean with all the haters out there .

I mean you know how hard I work taking twelve hundred bathroom selfies a day.

Only to have old perverts send me dick pics ?

And my sisters always have my back well accept Becky fuck that bitch .

I mean I'm pretty sure she fucked Kelleys boyfriend at that party in her parents bed eww what a total whore!

Sure I blew him once but that's when they were broke up and it's not like I swallowed .


Omg have you seen Beths brothers weiner pics on Instagram what a freak I mean he has like six piercings I mean you can totally chip a tooth on that.

I mean like eww it's not flute .

Omg did you hear that whore Taylor Swift is coming town ?

Like eww that old lady needs to retire with her grandma Madonna .

And I've heard that one of those Frat guys hit on Erica in a bar last night.
Those guys are so gross .

I think one sent me a friends request  last night .
Some little weirdo looked that looked like my kid brother who asked me all these weird questions .

Eww just eww .

Thank God for my sisters well minus Becky fuck that bitch .

Veronica Peterson

Is a part time blogger and slightly full time bitch .
She enjoys taking pictures of herself on instagraham .
And secretly plotting to kill Becky and one day take control of the Sorrority .

She likes the beach minus the ugly people .
And enjoys generally being a all around bad person .
Some people believe she lives a double life aside from her online persona and is really a middle-aged house wife living somewhere in the Midwest .

COLLAGEN LIPPED MILLENNIAL TWIT. by Dixie Semen

I spent
the better part
of last decade
doing research
for a series of
erotic novels
I now refuse
to finish
because the
Ivy League
copy editor
at Harper Collins
is a snooty
little cunt


This overprivileged
collagen lipped
millennial twit
couldn’t construct
a meaningful
paragraph if
her anal virginity
depended on
it


In fact
I’ll bet
she’s never
tied her
best friend’s
lover
to a motel
bed for
three days
or let him
fuck her
in any other
position besides
missionary



It’s like
this frigid
twiggy bitch
is wanting
to switch sides
but fails
to realize
that being
raised to
despise
lesbians
doesn’t
mean
she isn’t
one

Dixie Semen is a sex columnist from Albuquerque, New Mexico. She has a Ph.D, in American Literary Studies from the University of New Mexico. Her work is published frequently in Esquire, Cosmopolitan, Allure, Maxium, Playboy and Penthouse.

Tipsy by Lizzy Gee

Just because I drank 8 shots and can’t walk straight doesn’t mean I’m drunk.
Because if I was I wouldn’t have to be stuck talking to your dumb ass.

Sure the world is spinning a bit but I can still understand every dull thing your saying.
And all I can do to escape from you is to walk away, or turn you into a big joke.

The later is the best option but at least I won’t remember half of this shit tomorrow.
Oh the benefits of free drinks.

Lizzy Gee is a poet and photographer from Oklahoma that has been featured in several magazines through both her poetry and her visual art since 2010. 

I’ll Be Whatever You Want for 50 Bucks By Scott Simmons

I like to wear elegant sequin dresses and red stilettos.

My dresses were often tight to show off my curves and my crouch bulge.

I ensured Adam’s apple was proportional to the chocker I wore.

And my sense of self respect was much smaller than my fake tits.

Selling my ass to old weirdos on craigslist has always my true calling in life.

I’ll admit it’s though hard to be a beautiful woman these days.

But 50 bucks is still just 50 bucks.

Scott Simmons is a professional nudist at Harvard university and claims to have been probed by aliens over 15 times in one day.  He is currently in a mental hospital searching for the unicorns that stole his cereal where he will not be mocked by Elmo anymore. You can also find his artwork scrawled in the bathrooms of every member of One Direction.

Call 832-802-9430 for his supper sexy lawn/manscaping service. 

My Body By Beth Grendel

king         shit           fuck

fuck     king          shit

fuck fuck

shit                shit

fuck.

Beth Grendel is a spoken word artist from Cincinnati Ohio.  She enjoys dime bags down by the waterfront and binge watching Netflix in her pajamas sharing spoons of Nutella with her dog Cocoa. 

A Pledge to my Sisters By Mila Kunis

I am leaving Hollywood for the life of a sorority sister.
I am tying your pigtails and painting your toes.
I am finding great strength among my sisters.
I am sucking bourbon shots off each of your bellybuttons as per my Jim Beam sponsorship agreement.
I am tearing up all my 70s show royalty checks.
I am suffering from coke nose but know better times are ahead.
I am leaving my husband to fornicate with lots of men and women.
I am opening a savings account dedicated solely to bail money.
I am riding our mascot in pink sequined ass-less chaps as each sister must do.
I am bringing my subscription to Cosmo and all my best vibrators.
I am watching Thelma and Louise for the 256th time.
I am getting a tramp stamp that reads #KeepCalmAndFuckOn.
I am rubbing semen on the bottoms of my shoes for better traction.
I am the earth and the sun and the moon according to my psychic.
I am hugging you all in my mind.

My GoFuckMe page is still up
so we can help the starving kids of Afrika
together.

I love you all.

This is my pledge to you

Milla Kunis is leaving the scented lavender farts of the Hollywood Hills to start her new sorority life on campus.  Her work has appeared in or is forthcoming from such esteemed journals as: The Jim Beam Quarterly, Pleasure Yourself Press, The Sexbot Quarterly and How to Tie a Noose with My Hair.  She is pleasuring herself to Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention right now.  Hail Satan's hot tub!

Perves Ahoy By Becky

       
To all the dick pics sent all across the net to fake accounts by horny bastards just looking to get off.

Who are received by sexually confused weirdos who find great humor in talking shit when there is nothing better to do.

It's a twisted sick and sad , and often a humorous world out there.

Land ahead let's crash the ship and run to the tavern.

Perves ahoy is what I always say.

Becky

Is the head cheerleader and sister in charge of the Sorority. 

She has a bad drinking problem and often makes poor life choices.

But she isn't here for a long time she is here for a noontime.

Live it up.