I am leaving Hollywood for the life of a sorority sister.
I am tying your pigtails and painting your toes.
I am finding great strength among my sisters.
I am sucking bourbon shots off each of your bellybuttons as per my Jim Beam sponsorship agreement.
I am tearing up all my 70s show royalty checks.
I am suffering from coke nose but know better times are ahead.
I am leaving my husband to fornicate with lots of men and women.
I am opening a savings account dedicated solely to bail money.
I am riding our mascot in pink sequined ass-less chaps as each sister must do.
I am bringing my subscription to Cosmo and all my best vibrators.
I am watching Thelma and Louise for the 256th time.
I am getting a tramp stamp that reads #KeepCalmAndFuckOn.
I am rubbing semen on the bottoms of my shoes for better traction.
I am the earth and the sun and the moon according to my psychic.
I am hugging you all in my mind.
My GoFuckMe page is still up
so we can help the starving kids of Afrika
together.
I love you all.
This is my pledge to you
Milla Kunis is leaving the scented lavender farts of the Hollywood Hills to start her new sorority life on campus. Her work has appeared in or is forthcoming from such esteemed journals as: The Jim Beam Quarterly, Pleasure Yourself Press, The Sexbot Quarterly and How to Tie a Noose with My Hair. She is pleasuring herself to Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention right now. Hail Satan's hot tub!
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