I’ll Be Whatever You Want for 50 Bucks By Scott Simmons

I like to wear elegant sequin dresses and red stilettos.

My dresses were often tight to show off my curves and my crouch bulge.

I ensured Adam’s apple was proportional to the chocker I wore.

And my sense of self respect was much smaller than my fake tits.

Selling my ass to old weirdos on craigslist has always my true calling in life.

I’ll admit it’s though hard to be a beautiful woman these days.

But 50 bucks is still just 50 bucks.

Scott Simmons is a professional nudist at Harvard university and claims to have been probed by aliens over 15 times in one day.  He is currently in a mental hospital searching for the unicorns that stole his cereal where he will not be mocked by Elmo anymore. You can also find his artwork scrawled in the bathrooms of every member of One Direction.

Call 832-802-9430 for his supper sexy lawn/manscaping service. 

My Body By Beth Grendel

king         shit           fuck

fuck     king          shit

fuck fuck

shit                shit

fuck.

Beth Grendel is a spoken word artist from Cincinnati Ohio.  She enjoys dime bags down by the waterfront and binge watching Netflix in her pajamas sharing spoons of Nutella with her dog Cocoa. 

A Pledge to my Sisters By Mila Kunis

I am leaving Hollywood for the life of a sorority sister.
I am tying your pigtails and painting your toes.
I am finding great strength among my sisters.
I am sucking bourbon shots off each of your bellybuttons as per my Jim Beam sponsorship agreement.
I am tearing up all my 70s show royalty checks.
I am suffering from coke nose but know better times are ahead.
I am leaving my husband to fornicate with lots of men and women.
I am opening a savings account dedicated solely to bail money.
I am riding our mascot in pink sequined ass-less chaps as each sister must do.
I am bringing my subscription to Cosmo and all my best vibrators.
I am watching Thelma and Louise for the 256th time.
I am getting a tramp stamp that reads #KeepCalmAndFuckOn.
I am rubbing semen on the bottoms of my shoes for better traction.
I am the earth and the sun and the moon according to my psychic.
I am hugging you all in my mind.

My GoFuckMe page is still up
so we can help the starving kids of Afrika
together.

I love you all.

This is my pledge to you

Milla Kunis is leaving the scented lavender farts of the Hollywood Hills to start her new sorority life on campus.  Her work has appeared in or is forthcoming from such esteemed journals as: The Jim Beam Quarterly, Pleasure Yourself Press, The Sexbot Quarterly and How to Tie a Noose with My Hair.  She is pleasuring herself to Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention right now.  Hail Satan's hot tub!